How to get that lady hot!

Arsen B. from Glendale, CA writes: "Hey Willy...it might be easy for you to get girl, but what about the rest of us not in sex business? My girlfriend is never hardly in mood (or at least she say), and when she is, she has to get drunk to have orgazam.  How can I get her more in mood?  Sometimes I think maybe I am 'too small?'

Arsen my friend, fear not. You are in a spot that many men have often found themselves...the great fear of intimacy.  Now, I'm not saying that you have to be Don Juan DeMarco or The Most Interesting Man in the World, but you will have to do a little work to get the flame burning a bit hotter...and it will take a lot less then you think!

Alright, so, first things first.  Let's attack men's greatest known fear...penis size (and/or performance). Is it long enough? Is it thick enough? Does it curve too far to the left? Is she not down with my foreskin? Do I cum too fast?  None of us likes to admit it, but we've all had these thoughts from time to time (with the exception of legendary cocksmen such as Ron Jeremy, John Holmes, etc).

Okay... I'm going to let you in on a little industry secret.  Several years ago as I was starting out in the biz, I found myself editing a behind-the-scenes which featured the hard-drinking, chain-smoking, 11-inch-packing, Scott Nails.  The interviewer was asking the extremely hungover Scott what it was like to bang a girl with an 11-inch-rod.  "Awesome, right?" the interviewer quipped.  Scott took a long drag off his Marlboro, turned to the camera, and said, "look, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. Having eleven inches is a pain-in-the-ass. Most chicks can only handle six inches at one time, so I'm usually only getting half my dick wet when I'm fuckin. Takes a helluva girl to take all of me."

Six inches, max.  Now, there are those of you out there that would argue this point, men and women alike...and yes, there are always exceptions to the rule.  But if six inches is the max for most, then packing 3, 4, and 5 inches is just fine.  We've got to get it out of our heads that the only way to make a woman scream in orgasmic delight is to pound her va-jay-jay with a 9-inch-rod. 

Now with this penis issue off to the side... lets get down to what really turns a woman on....okay, yes, laying down two hours of oral artistry on her unsuspecting vagina isn't a bad idea, but you're much more likely to get a tongue charlie horse, and worse...if you're doing it wrong, she may start watching television.  The key, gentlemen, is the Art of Surprise.

It doesn't matter if you've been dating for ten days or married for ten years...at the core of every woman is a romantic.  The hot chic in Fabio's arms on the cover of the paperback sex/romance novels.  She wants to be surprised.  Awakened.  Noticed.  Devoured.  Worshipped.  Now, before you go running off to your Playstation, listen to me...it's not that hard.

Whatever your 'usual' sex ritual is (if there still is one), change it.  If it usually happens in the bedroom, start kissing her neck in the car right before you two are going into a party.  Do it just enough for her to say "what the hell are you doing, Harold," then stop, smile, and say "sorry, you just look really hot."  Don't think about sex...women always know when we do, so flip it on her.  Act like you could go without it, but when she's least expecting it, kiss her in public.  Eye up her outfit in the elevator.  Whisper in her ear...something naughty that you'd like to do to her...but do it in the grocery store, your parents house, etc.  Comment on that new piece of jewerly or hair style.  What you are doing is a term I like to call 'Kamikazi Foreplay.' 

The key is to get your woman turned on, but confused..."why is he doing this? What has gotten into him?"  She'll talk about it with her friends. She'll be thinking about you.  And more importantly, she'll be getting aroused.  Mystery turns chicks on...always has, always will.  And when you finally get into the bedroom, don't pull a two-minute-Tony... go slow, savor it.  Touch her.  Kiss her.  In fact, after you start the sex, stop it.  Take long pauses.  It will drive her crazy and she'll soon be saying, "Jesus Christ, Bob...just fuck me! Hard!"

And you will.  And you'll also come to realize there's a lot more to satisfying women then packing the nine inches or being a porn director, Arsen in Glendale.

Pastor...or Porn Star?

Usually, I don't delve into religion or politics...but this fucking guy...

Welcome to the New Millenium.  Two weeks ago, Florida pastor Terry Jones was a no-name, alcoholic, bible-thumping pastor at The Dove World Outreach Centre (interesting name for a House of God) in Gainsville, Florida, preaching the Word of God in-between Budweisers.  But, in this day and age of making every moron with an internet connection a reality tv star or YouTube sensation, the good pastor Jones has come up with the newest buzz-generator on the religious circuit...International Burn a Quran Day.

Can I be the 16,458th to say, "this guy is a fucking asshole."  The first thing that I'd like to know is...who in the hell is listening to a pastor who sports a circa 1976 porn moustache?  Seriously?  The Word of God coming out from under a handle-barred stache?  I certainly don't remember Father Weislowski sporting a John Holmes and throwing back shots of Jack before mass in my altar boy days.

Seems to me that there are about four occupations that the good pastor is suited for...

1)  A Mope (basically, a male porn star who's past his prime and only gets thrown a bone every so often when a director wants to do a throwback film...similar to a MILF, but gets a lot less work).
2) A Child Molester (self-explanatory).
3) Drunk, Belligerent Streetwalker and/or Homeless Guy Who's Pissed Himself on COPS.
4) The Obnoxiously Drunk Used Car Salesman sitting at the end of the bar groping 'feelies' each time a waitress has to pick up her drink order.

Now, it's one thing to be an asshole...but, it's a whole 'nother ballgame when you are single-handedly obliterating the already shaky US-Islamic relations and putting a big red target on our troops stationed in Islamic countries.  I can guarantee that this Porn Star Preacher is a Bush-supporting backer of both our wars overseas...yet in one idiotic action of grand proportion, he's riled up the Islamic community worldwide and put our brave men and women fighting overseas in more jeopardy then ever before.

So, here's my idea.  Let's send ol' Porn Pastor Jones down to Guantanamo Bay and lock him in a cell with a bottle of lube and a leather thong.  Then, we throw in legendary cocksmen Ron Jeremy and Chris Charming, both tripping on three hits of Ecstasy.  Leave the boys in there for about five hours and let them run a train on the good Pastor Jones until he sees the light and learns the true meaning of getting screwed.