Pastor...or Porn Star?

Usually, I don't delve into religion or politics...but this fucking guy...

Welcome to the New Millenium.  Two weeks ago, Florida pastor Terry Jones was a no-name, alcoholic, bible-thumping pastor at The Dove World Outreach Centre (interesting name for a House of God) in Gainsville, Florida, preaching the Word of God in-between Budweisers.  But, in this day and age of making every moron with an internet connection a reality tv star or YouTube sensation, the good pastor Jones has come up with the newest buzz-generator on the religious circuit...International Burn a Quran Day.

Can I be the 16,458th to say, "this guy is a fucking asshole."  The first thing that I'd like to know is...who in the hell is listening to a pastor who sports a circa 1976 porn moustache?  Seriously?  The Word of God coming out from under a handle-barred stache?  I certainly don't remember Father Weislowski sporting a John Holmes and throwing back shots of Jack before mass in my altar boy days.

Seems to me that there are about four occupations that the good pastor is suited for...

1)  A Mope (basically, a male porn star who's past his prime and only gets thrown a bone every so often when a director wants to do a throwback film...similar to a MILF, but gets a lot less work).
2) A Child Molester (self-explanatory).
3) Drunk, Belligerent Streetwalker and/or Homeless Guy Who's Pissed Himself on COPS.
4) The Obnoxiously Drunk Used Car Salesman sitting at the end of the bar groping 'feelies' each time a waitress has to pick up her drink order.

Now, it's one thing to be an asshole...but, it's a whole 'nother ballgame when you are single-handedly obliterating the already shaky US-Islamic relations and putting a big red target on our troops stationed in Islamic countries.  I can guarantee that this Porn Star Preacher is a Bush-supporting backer of both our wars overseas...yet in one idiotic action of grand proportion, he's riled up the Islamic community worldwide and put our brave men and women fighting overseas in more jeopardy then ever before.

So, here's my idea.  Let's send ol' Porn Pastor Jones down to Guantanamo Bay and lock him in a cell with a bottle of lube and a leather thong.  Then, we throw in legendary cocksmen Ron Jeremy and Chris Charming, both tripping on three hits of Ecstasy.  Leave the boys in there for about five hours and let them run a train on the good Pastor Jones until he sees the light and learns the true meaning of getting screwed.

Willy...what's a 'smoker'?

I received this question from Adolph S. in Big Bear Lake, CA...Adolph, I'm sure there are several definitions to term SMOKER in relation to the world at large...but as far as it flies the in Porno Valley, I uncovered its meaning during my first week of tenure as an in-house editor...

The company's Contract Director came in to "The Shark Tank" (a dimly lit room housed by the company's motley crew of editors) and asked, "Who wants to do a fuckin' smoker this weekend? Get some bitches and beer, you guys pick the girls. How about you, new guy?" "What's a smoker?" I naively inquired, prompting chuckles from around the room. "What's a smoker? Dude...we rent a hotel room, I call up some porn bitches, grab a case of Coronas...you guys get liquored up, I film you having sex with some hot porn chicks, and then I pay you $400 for day. Fuck...how do you pass that up? I pay you to get drunk AND get laid!"


I had to reject the offer as I was engaged at the time and surely would have entered the John Bobbitt Severed Penis Club had I partaken in the event.  So, in closing, Adolph...if you're down with getting paid (at about half the industry day rate) to get drunk and filmed banging various pornettes (which will then be readily available on porn shelves across the country the following month)...then a SMOKER, my friend, is just the thing for you.

Yes...this is for real

Anonymous writes..."C'mon...this site is bullshit.  No way a porn director would be dressed like that.  You look like the Judds gay brother on a coke binge."

Anonymous, I'm sure a lot of this stuff seems a bit outlandish, but unfortunately...it is for real.  Los Angeles is the city of dreams...big flashing lights, concrete stars, and studios on every corner.   Brad Pitt moved here with $37, dressed up in a chicken suit, and became famous.  Vivica Fox waited tables at a cafe, and the next day she was stripping for Will Smith in Independence Day.  Quentin Tarantino rode the bus to his video store job, wrote Reservoir Dogs in 3 days, and then he's the king of Sundance.  We've all heard the get-famous-stories. Hollywood pumps them out on a daily basis, perpetuating the Great White Myth...all you gotta do is move to Hollywood and you will become famous.

I was fairly certain that within months of moving to LA, my talent would wash across the city of stars and I would be drinking mojitos with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck as we conspired on how to fix Project Greenlight into a great hype machine to promote my newest film. Years later, I've learned the one key to making it in Hollywood...survival.  And survival means a steady income flow.   And having a steady income flow in the most inconsistent city in the world is a bitch.   Add in a bad economy, and you have yourself a nice little, F5 shitstorm that will send most Hollywood hopefuls packing their bags and heading back to Waterloo, Iowa to live in mom and dad's basement.

There are three things that never go out of style, no matter how tough the times: Booze, Drugs, and Sex. If you happen to be employed in one of these chosen fields, you will always have work. So, that's how I fell into the Sex Trade. I applied to an editing add on Craigslist five years ago, and boom...I'm now working as a porn director.  There are definitely worse jobs (like the poor bastard that has to mop up the jiz-laden floor after an orgy scene...often called the 'Cum Master'), so I'm not complaining.  It's a gig that gets me from point A to point B.  And as far as my appearance, it may be a bit over-the-top...but "the Judd's gay brother on a coke binge" seems a little harsh.  How would you feel if your grandmother caught a glimpse of you signing autographs at the AVN Convention?  Not that she did...but, they do put that stuff on G4, which she could come across...and I don't want to be responsible for giving my grandmother a stroke.    She's hip, but...well...you get the point.

Willy D?

Ryan F from Fort Myers, FL asks..."Willy D? What the hell kinda porn name is that? Aren't you supposed to use your pet name, or the name of a city in Texas, or something like that?"....Ryan, first off, Willy D has worked just fine for me over the past few years.  The reason I haven't been working as much as of late is because of this f*&kin' economy and dwindling DVD sales (not to mention all the a-holes posting my work on the internet for free).  I'm a purest when it comes to my porn monicker...hence, I use my real name (William DeLongpre) and condense it (Willy D).  But, to answer your question, there are a few techniques that one can utilize in choosing a porn name....

1) Take your street of residence and combine it with your pet's name (which would make me 'Ventura Gags'...you can see why I don't use this one).
2) Take a city you've lived in and combine it with a type of wood (i.e. Cleveland Pines, Trenton Mahogany).
3) Get drunk with your co-workers one night and ask them to help you.  Not my favorite choice as the names derived from this venture are often quite juvenile (Micro Penis, Transvestite Tony, Ass Hole).

My two cents is keep it traditional.  But, if you do find yourself working at porn studio, it is very much like pledging a fraternity...you often do not get to choose your 'nickname,' but rather, it is cast upon you.  My first job in the biz was working as an editor in a large, well-known studio.  It was felt around the office that I resembled the great, yet bizarre-looking thespian, Willem Defoe. This was then conjoined with the opinions of my co-workers that I utilized too many of the "default" transistions in my edits (which, of course, was bullshit)...hence Default...and Willem Default was born. I am not a huge fan of the name, but once a porn name is forged, it is extremely difficult to change.  Luckily, Willy D is an organic transition from both William DeLongpre and Willem Default, so to all of my detractors...suck it.

Perhaps my porn naming technique isn't the most popular, but I can look in the mirror each day and feel good about 'Willy D.'  And a word of advice...if you ever find yourself moonlighting at a porn studio, I would strongly urge you to fill out the job application with your porn name of choice, otherwise you may be spending the rest of your working days as Stank Muff, Johnny Afterbirth, or Queef Ledger.