Willy...what's a 'smoker'?

I received this question from Adolph S. in Big Bear Lake, CA...Adolph, I'm sure there are several definitions to term SMOKER in relation to the world at large...but as far as it flies the in Porno Valley, I uncovered its meaning during my first week of tenure as an in-house editor...

The company's Contract Director came in to "The Shark Tank" (a dimly lit room housed by the company's motley crew of editors) and asked, "Who wants to do a fuckin' smoker this weekend? Get some bitches and beer, you guys pick the girls. How about you, new guy?" "What's a smoker?" I naively inquired, prompting chuckles from around the room. "What's a smoker? Dude...we rent a hotel room, I call up some porn bitches, grab a case of Coronas...you guys get liquored up, I film you having sex with some hot porn chicks, and then I pay you $400 for day. Fuck...how do you pass that up? I pay you to get drunk AND get laid!"


I had to reject the offer as I was engaged at the time and surely would have entered the John Bobbitt Severed Penis Club had I partaken in the event.  So, in closing, Adolph...if you're down with getting paid (at about half the industry day rate) to get drunk and filmed banging various pornettes (which will then be readily available on porn shelves across the country the following month)...then a SMOKER, my friend, is just the thing for you.

Where is the 'Porno Valley'?

Belinda T. from Trenton, NJ writes..."Willy...where exactly is the f*&king Porno Valley? My friend and I came out to Hollywood last month and we drove all over the goddamn place in the 100 degree heat looking for porn studios, but the only thing we found was the Hustler Store on Sunset Blvd. I've heard it's somewhere in Sherman Oaks, but my friend says it's hidden in the Hollywood Hills. Please help!!!"

Belinda, not to fear...many people face the same frustrations when trying to find the seamy sex studios of the San Fernando Valley. Unlike Hollywood, The Porno Valley is an enigma...a mystical place that doesn't advertise its whereabouts, so I've created the map below to give the average porn aficionado an idea of where it all happens:



According to my calculations, the current epicenter of The Porno Valley falls in northwest Van Nuys, along the south runway of the Van Nuys airport. Many of the top porn studios are located right here in VN...though one would never know it, driving by the nondescript, two-story edifices (often in low-rent industrial complexes) that house the empires of Tera-Vision, Digital Playground, Jules Jordan, and countless others.  Vivid seems to be the only studio brave enough to pop their logo out on their building (which you can see quite clearly from the 101 when heading north from Hollywood to Studio City).

The majority of porn is filmed in rented residential homes ("porn houses") and warehouse "studios" found in Chatsworth, Northridge, Porter Ranch, Winnetka, Reseda and the surrounding communities of northwest San Fern Valley. The higher-end, big budget shoots happen in the Hills of Hollywood, Sherman Oaks, Encino, and Topanga...with producers paying 5 to 10K a day to have their stars spooge all over the covered couches of celebrity mansions with $50 million dollar views.

You have the mavericks--found outside the valley--which include Larry Flynt's Hustler empire (down in the Hills of Beverly), the mighty Vivid Entertainment (right off the 101 in Hollywood), and Hugh Hefner's Playboy, housed in the Wilshire district. And then, you have the hundreds of indie and amateur productions that happen all over the City of Titty each day, but again, the majority of them occur right here in the steamy Porno Valley.

Hopefully, this gives you a better perspective of The Porno Valley and where to search on your next trip out. Of course, knowing where it happens doesn't give you a key inside the magic kingdom...but, if you keep your eyes peeled the next time round...whether you're getting coffee at a Starbucks in Reseda, or doing a little grocery shopping at a Ralph's in Sherman Oaks (where I once ran into the lovely Kapri Styles buying bread), you may just catch your favorite porn star buying Maxi-pads for that first day of heavy flow...or a six-pack to wash down that after-coke-party hangover. Happy hunting, Belinda!

Yes...this is for real

Anonymous writes..."C'mon...this site is bullshit.  No way a porn director would be dressed like that.  You look like the Judds gay brother on a coke binge."

Anonymous, I'm sure a lot of this stuff seems a bit outlandish, but unfortunately...it is for real.  Los Angeles is the city of dreams...big flashing lights, concrete stars, and studios on every corner.   Brad Pitt moved here with $37, dressed up in a chicken suit, and became famous.  Vivica Fox waited tables at a cafe, and the next day she was stripping for Will Smith in Independence Day.  Quentin Tarantino rode the bus to his video store job, wrote Reservoir Dogs in 3 days, and then he's the king of Sundance.  We've all heard the get-famous-stories. Hollywood pumps them out on a daily basis, perpetuating the Great White Myth...all you gotta do is move to Hollywood and you will become famous.

I was fairly certain that within months of moving to LA, my talent would wash across the city of stars and I would be drinking mojitos with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck as we conspired on how to fix Project Greenlight into a great hype machine to promote my newest film. Years later, I've learned the one key to making it in Hollywood...survival.  And survival means a steady income flow.   And having a steady income flow in the most inconsistent city in the world is a bitch.   Add in a bad economy, and you have yourself a nice little, F5 shitstorm that will send most Hollywood hopefuls packing their bags and heading back to Waterloo, Iowa to live in mom and dad's basement.

There are three things that never go out of style, no matter how tough the times: Booze, Drugs, and Sex. If you happen to be employed in one of these chosen fields, you will always have work. So, that's how I fell into the Sex Trade. I applied to an editing add on Craigslist five years ago, and boom...I'm now working as a porn director.  There are definitely worse jobs (like the poor bastard that has to mop up the jiz-laden floor after an orgy scene...often called the 'Cum Master'), so I'm not complaining.  It's a gig that gets me from point A to point B.  And as far as my appearance, it may be a bit over-the-top...but "the Judd's gay brother on a coke binge" seems a little harsh.  How would you feel if your grandmother caught a glimpse of you signing autographs at the AVN Convention?  Not that she did...but, they do put that stuff on G4, which she could come across...and I don't want to be responsible for giving my grandmother a stroke.    She's hip, but...well...you get the point.

Willy D?

Ryan F from Fort Myers, FL asks..."Willy D? What the hell kinda porn name is that? Aren't you supposed to use your pet name, or the name of a city in Texas, or something like that?"....Ryan, first off, Willy D has worked just fine for me over the past few years.  The reason I haven't been working as much as of late is because of this f*&kin' economy and dwindling DVD sales (not to mention all the a-holes posting my work on the internet for free).  I'm a purest when it comes to my porn monicker...hence, I use my real name (William DeLongpre) and condense it (Willy D).  But, to answer your question, there are a few techniques that one can utilize in choosing a porn name....

1) Take your street of residence and combine it with your pet's name (which would make me 'Ventura Gags'...you can see why I don't use this one).
2) Take a city you've lived in and combine it with a type of wood (i.e. Cleveland Pines, Trenton Mahogany).
3) Get drunk with your co-workers one night and ask them to help you.  Not my favorite choice as the names derived from this venture are often quite juvenile (Micro Penis, Transvestite Tony, Ass Hole).

My two cents is keep it traditional.  But, if you do find yourself working at porn studio, it is very much like pledging a fraternity...you often do not get to choose your 'nickname,' but rather, it is cast upon you.  My first job in the biz was working as an editor in a large, well-known studio.  It was felt around the office that I resembled the great, yet bizarre-looking thespian, Willem Defoe. This was then conjoined with the opinions of my co-workers that I utilized too many of the "default" transistions in my edits (which, of course, was bullshit)...hence Default...and Willem Default was born. I am not a huge fan of the name, but once a porn name is forged, it is extremely difficult to change.  Luckily, Willy D is an organic transition from both William DeLongpre and Willem Default, so to all of my detractors...suck it.

Perhaps my porn naming technique isn't the most popular, but I can look in the mirror each day and feel good about 'Willy D.'  And a word of advice...if you ever find yourself moonlighting at a porn studio, I would strongly urge you to fill out the job application with your porn name of choice, otherwise you may be spending the rest of your working days as Stank Muff, Johnny Afterbirth, or Queef Ledger.